My running list of best comebacks

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Candidate,

I suck at comebacks. You know when someone says something to you, but you don't really know what to say back, so you laugh nervously, but two days later you wake up at 4:32 a.m. and have the PERFECT line?

This explains why I systematically search for the best comebacks to insults, save them, tag them, then write an email to hundreds of thousands of people with the best comebacks.

Is that weird?

Do I care?

Today, I want to show you some of my favorite comebacks. My dream is for you to send me yours so we can grow this list together.

SITUATION: Someone who absolutely sucks at personal finance and is deeply in debt starts telling me how I "need to" drop everything I'm doing and invest in real estate, bitcoin, or some other idiotic suggestion.

COMEBACK: I very calmly look up from my Thai papaya salad, put down my fork, use a cloth napkin to wipe my lips, slowly look them from head to toe, and say, "Why would I take advice from you?"

I have a huge grin on my face writing this right now.

* * *

SITUATION: Someone's being rude to you at work.

COMEBACK: "A feigned look of pity and a gentle 'I would be so embarrassed if I spoke to people the way you do.' Bonus points if there are others around to hear it, as they'll always agree with you." (source)

* * *

SITUATION: Crazy guy runs into Starbucks and starts yelling at the barista. Journalist decides to write the story about him.

COMEBACK: "David Sanguesa said he was having a bad day. But it seems Sanguesa has had many bad days. Wednesday was just the latest. That was the day he was captured on video angrily yelling 'Trump!' and 'I voted for Trump!' at a barista at a Coral Gables Starbucks when he felt he didn't get his tall vanilla latte quickly enough because he is white. Then he demanded his money back, calling her 'trash' and 'garbage.' Previous bad days: The one in 2008 when he was arrested on a DUI charge. The one a week later when he was again charged with DUI. And the day in 2014 when he was charged with domestic violence, which was later dropped. And there were all those days, going back years, when he emailed the Miami Herald with rants against Cubans, women, immigrants, gays and lesbians, President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton." (source)

* * *

SITUATION: Someone heckles President Clinton.

COMEBACK: Watch the 1:42 video until the end.

* * *

Send me your comebacks!! I'm on Twitter (@ramit) and Instagram (@ramit).

P.S. Today is comebacks — putting the verbal hammer down to end conversations you don't like. Tomorrow, how to start a conversation with someone you DO like.